Perhaps the noble Conan will someday get his proper due in a modern film. Hopefully, as many heads as roll on screen will also roll in Hollywood for this abortive, dreadful garbage. Its hyperbolic Hyborian cartoonishness makes you either wince or chuckle derisively. I bestowed two stars on this flick, as the second is for unintentional hilarity, of which the film has much. Video games often have more character development than this film, and yes, I'm specifically thinking of the comparatively Shakespearean struggles portrayed in Donkey Kong. The filmmakers are so afraid that if some big action sequence doesn't occur every ten minutes, that we'll be bored and of course, this quickly has the opposite effect, as we instead become bored from so much pointless, poorly shot and edited action unsupported by character or story. Weep! I'm totally sick of the short-attention-span style of storytelling. Ron Perlman, as Conan's father, is simply wasted. And post plastic-surgery Rose McGowan as his witchy daughter Marique is so outrageously goth that you half-wish for a Sisters of Mercy musical cue every time she steps on camera if only her performance received the same attention as her over-the-top costumes. Stephen Lang (Colonel Quaritch of "Avatar") is the half-assed villain Khalar Zym, who inspires zero awe and no respect on his whatever quest for some supernatural thingy, which is such an afterthought that you constantly forget about it. The noted line "I live, I love, I slay, and I am content," is meted out with such lack of panache or feeling that I wanted to wash out Jason Momoa's mouth with soap, right after forcing him to watch Schwarzenegger - not a great actor, by any means - deliver the unforgettable tagline: "To crush your enemies, drive them before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women." But then again, John Milius bothered to direct his actors. The script inconsistently sticks to any epic poetic flair in the dialog, so that when such words are delivered, they feel forced and flat. Howard's stories is a smart, tough, brutal survivor - and instead seems to reveal to us the underwhelming idea that Conan's just another hunky sword dude with a knack for slaughter. The story fails to find the real Conan - who in Robert E. This ham-handed disregard for appropriate tone haunts every frame of the film. One of its most jarring aspects is that it begins with Morgan Freeman's narration, which sounds so utterly out of place, with his comforting, slightly Southern drawl the total opposite of everything bloody and Cimmerian, that it instantly comes across like self-parody, as if we were seeing some schticky Mel Brooks interpretation after the fact.
#CONAN THE BARBARIAN 2011 REMUX DL MOVIE#
Remarkably, the movie gets bad immediately and stays that way. Conan is a stale rehash that will offer no reward to its audience.Director Marcus Nispel is undoubtedly the long-lost offspring of trash master and fellow German, Uwe Boll, as this film is so profoundly awful on every level that it's hard to think that it wasn't intentionally made this way. Conan reinforces the assertion of refraining from producing reboots where there is nothing original the writers or director bring to the table. It's almost as though Nispel wanted it to feel like the 1982 version, but taking only the worst qualities and none of the charm. Given this is a reboot, the film does not feel fresh, but instead feels dated. McGowen in contrast overly plays the sorcerer. There is no commitment to the lines so again the audience fails to immerse in their characters. There are more grunts and warcries than lines of dialogue and those spoken feel like the actors are running them in rehearsal for the first time. You never feel the hits, the power of the blows or Conan's qualities as a warrior. The camera is misplaced, the editing focusing on the wrong points. Nispel manages to create fight scenes that lack the kinetic quality of a dance. The violence itself is the most disappointing. None are ever fully realised before Conan jaunts off somewhere else. We flit from place to place in a lame attempt to show the vastness of the world through a mediocre CGI backdrop of a castle or slave camp or pirate city. The nature of video games, particularly those of the fantasy and RPG genres, is immersion. The film has been accused of being like viewing a video game. What emerges on screen is a set of one dimensional characters placed in a world that feels half heatedly brought to life. Thus the film should be a visceral, violent portrayal of a warrior set against the fantasy backdrop of Robert E. Conan the Barbarian is born in war, a product of blood and steel.
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